(I need a break from weighty matters such as police brutality, sexual obsession, political corruption, and Roller Derby. This is a guest article from my good friend and picky language critic, the renowned and esteemed Professor Wilklangen von Uppderarsch)
I don't mean to be rude, but frequently you people who think you speak Englisch are making me offpissed. The last time I drove a rented car from O'Hare Airport to visit Dr. Paul, I listened to the traffik report and heard distinktly that there was a big "prom on the kenny because of an earlier accent." It was true that there was a problem on the Kennedy Expressway because of an earlier accident, but I didn't see any bands playing or teenagers in tuxedos. Since you Amerikans can pronounce the name of the Iranian President Ahmadinajerk, why won't you say the name of the great J.F.K. properly?
Speaking of elected leaders, I hear a lot about meetings in the White House with the present. In my humble opinion someone who does not already live in the present has no business meeting the the president. You have a very nice nation even if most of your beer is terrible. Will it fall like the Roman Empire if you take the time to say the middle syllablitz? Those people in Washington whom you pay to say silly things are called senators, not sinners, although they may be. There are also three syllablitzes in terrorist. Osama bin Laden is not a terrist. By the way, the words flower and power do not rhyme with tar, and towel does not rhyme with pal.
Most Amerikans are confused about the words who and whom so you are confusing me also. Just think "who throws the ball to whom." You don't say "the person whom spoke to me," but you do say "the person to whom I spoke" or "the person whom I spoke to" if you are insisting on your right to make things forwardback, and you say "the person who spoke to me." Now you also may think you sound oh-so-smart when you say "between you and I" but to us genuinely smart people you are not sounding so smart. It's "between you and me," because between is a preposition, and it requires a dative form of the pronoun, not the nominative. That may sound very complicated, but if you spoke German, you'd have to know six ways to say "the." So be happy. Even Spanisch, which is supposed to be a simple language, has five ways to say "the." (Some Spanisch speakers are going to tell me there are only four, but I'll bet a case of Beck's against a Cabrito en Mole dinner that there's a fifth. Try me.)
I could talk for hours about this but people who are smarter than I say that Amerikans are hopefuless about language. (Yes, Dummkopf, "smarter than I" is correkt because "than" is a conjunction and the verb "am" is understood, so the nominative is correkt.) You get so outofshapebent if someone doesn't speak your language, then you take Berlitz in German or French for a year and think you're great linguists if you can ask where to go wee-wee. Also, before you protest, it is true that there are people who are smarter than I. It may be surprising, but it is true.
I must hurry now, as I have a plane to catch and there may be a tarebull accent on the kenny. Prof. W v U
(He's really a nice guy, but he gets kind of worked up at times. If youse guys have anything you'd like to tell him, use the COMMENT button. I'll be happy to pass it along. PKF)